creative commons/flickr/ by clinton steeds

Hey Lib,

What’s the liberal position on who would win a fight between Batman and Spiderman?

Sincerely,

Practical Joker in Havelock, NC

Dear Joker,

First of all, thanks for keeping the questions topical. It doesn’t take a doctorate in comparative comic book heroes to see that Batman is a conservative-oriented superhero. I mean, the guy’s “secret identity” is the richest guy in town—clearly the Republican idea of blending in. The point could be made that Spiderman has superpowers that Batman does not, but Bruce Wayne has clearly benefited disproportionately from the Bush tax cuts. Not only that, but his wealth is inherited. If this country had an equitable estate tax, the Batmobile would be a much smaller, more energy-efficient vehicle. Furthermore, Batman relies on assistance from underpaid hired help to fight crime. Has anyone looked into whether or not he’s even paying Social Security taxes on butler Alfred’s income? Don’t even get me started on the homoerotic undertones in this whole Robin thing. On the closeted-gay-scale Batman makes Mark Foley look like Mickey Rourke. Finally, there’s the question of just what this guy is fighting. Look at his archenemies: Catwoman (radical feminists), the Joker (entertainment elites), and the Riddler (intellectuals). He even fights the Penguin, for Chrissakes. Tell me that’s not a coded denial of global warming!

Spiderman on the other hand, is the superhero most likely to annoy conservatives (after Superman, who is clearly an illegal alien). He’s a self-made superhero—solidly middle class. Heck, he was even raised by a single parent. And his alter ego—news photographer Peter Parker—is a member of the mainstream media with impeccable journalistic ethics despite working for media conglomerate the Daily Bugle. Being the victim of a nuclear accident, one can only assume Spiderman supports safe alternative energy sources like wind and solar.

Of course, all of this only answers the question of who SHOULD win a Batman/Spiderman match-up. In terms of who WOULD win, I’m sure billionaire Bruce Wayne would find a way to gain an unfair advantage using insider connections and lobbying money, finally escaping Spideys’ web through the Enron loophole created by his buddy Phil Gramm. As a liberal, I don’t like it, but that’s the real world.

Yours,

Frederick Douglas Trotsky-Goldman