I am back, my brothers and sisters. And I promise I shall never leave you again.
I can imagine how many of you must have felt in the past few weeks – lonely, aimless, adrift in a sea of uncertainty without my steady hand and soothing words to guide you. Seeing me absence from the chat room day after day, I'm sure many of you were moved to ask "Should I just end it all right now? What's the point anyway? And where is he?" Perhaps some of you heard my voice issue periodically from your speakers and wondered "Can it be? Is it really him? Does he truly live? And why won't he speak to us?"
Well, my children, I work in mysterious ways (one of the many things I have in common with God). Duty called my attention to some pressing matters and I was thus unable to make my daily visits to the chatroom, and unable to write my daily screeds upon which so many of you base your very identities (and for good reason).
Well, here ends the mystery. I was testing you, my friends. My friends, I was testing you (my friends). Remember the famous story about a man I am often compared to, with the two sets of footprints on the beach. It was like that, but... on the internet.
I am back, my children. Come, come gather round me. I am perfumed with oils and essences. My scent will please you. Nuzzle yourself against my luxurious velvet robes as we embark together on another episode of the eternal Lionel Show.
The above was written after 4 days of constant exposure to media coverage of the despicable, pathetic McCain campaign, along with a refusal to take my anti-psychotic medications. I apologize, but I wanted to include it to show you that you have all been in my thoughts and prayers in the last few days.
