Well folks, she did it. She really did it. And by “it”, I refer of course to the bare minimum that she was expected to do, no more and no less.

Don’t misunderstand me; this is what passes for satisfaction and enthusiasm from yours truly. I think Hillary Clinton did a good job last night. I also think she could have and should have been doing a better job for the past two months, and I don’t think she should be overly praised for finally making her message crystal clear, but I appreciate the effort on her part. All told, her belatedly whole-hearted endorsement of Barack Obama went off with nary a hitch, and the groundswell of dissent and rage I expected to see from her supporters was successfully muted if not actually eradicated. Yippee.

The real highlight of the night may have been Kucinich’s rousing “Wake Up America” speech. Finally, a Democrat really put his C.O. Jones on the table. However, considering that Kucinich is the resident tin-foil-hat lefty-lunatic of the Democratic Party, it’s probably not a good sign that he (the “crazy guy”) is the only one so far who has really railed against the Republicans. The sad truth is that when D.K. passionately cries “we went in to Iraq for oil!!!” he might as well be yelling “who ordered the veal cutlet?!?” or summarizing his favorite episode of Stargate. We’re talking about America here, not Air America.

At least somebody said something last night. Moving forward, lets have more balls and less backstory, please.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled cynical paranoia.

Listen up, evra-buddeh. I’m gonna try to get through this without losing it, but if you find by the of this screed that I’ve shaved my head and I’m typing “some day a real rain’s gonna come” over and over again, don’t hold it against me. This whole business of caring about the world for the past year or so has brought me to the brink of madness. I don’t know how you guys and gals do it! So many slings and arrows, and so few arms linked with yours against them! It’s a wonder you’re not all as crazy as I.

Ahem.

IF John McCain wins this election (and believe me, I had to take an extra hit of Ecstasy to write “if” instead of “when”), two things are gonna have to change around here (“here” refers not to The Lionel Show office, where all is just as it should be, but rather to the nation at large). I’ll say it again: if “we” manage to lose this one, after 8 years of the most appalling and craven mismanagement ever visited upon this country, two things will have to change. Two simple facts will need swallowing and digesting. Two things. Two simple things.

Most of you will completely agree with the first one. The second one will probably have you calling for my head on a platter. However, though I’m told I taste like chicken, I am made of sterner stuff than that sadly flightless bird, and I’m prepared to have my head cut off if you’re prepared to watch as I bleed out while running in a futile circle before going to the great Farm in the Sky. Deal? Here goes nothing.

In the words of my psychiatrist, administered weekly in tandem with a bewildered shake of the head and a world-weary, Sisyphean sigh, “there’s good news and there’s bad news”. He tends to start with the good news, under the accurate impression that the mood-altering drugs and smoldering Nag Champa will have sufficiently deadened any spirited protest on my part by the time he gets to the bad.

So, the good news first, and then the bad.

DERM’S TWO “IF”S

IF JOHN MCCAIN GAINS THE PRESIDENCY IN NOVEMBER…#1: we will have to agree, once and for all, conservative and liberal alike, to finally put the notion of a “liberal media” to bed. It’s just not there; it doesn’t exist. If the media was liberal in general, a candidate like John McCain would not even be on the radar in this election. He would be publicly laughed at and mercilessly derided on radio and television; instead, we hear talking heads constantly saying things like “John McCain has certainly surprised us all with the strength of his candidacy!” If the media was liberal, that comment would rightly be “I think the capacity for the American voter to swallow absolute crap is pretty remarkable!” The strength of his candidacy? The strength?!? How about the capacity for manipulation, misinformation, and a willingness to capitalize on the ignorance of the voting public? A “liberal media” would mention that; no one but Media Matters and other noble watchdogs actually does, and sadly these watchdogs are not yet household names.

If a Democrat had made the infamous “how many houses” gaffe, it would absolutely, unequivocally have been the death of his or her candidacy, plain and simple. The death.

And please understand that I am not saying that I think the media should be liberal, or should be one ideology or the other. I am merely expressing frustration at this too-pervasive myth of the leftist boogeyman behind the mic or in front of the camera. If you’re conservative, that’s fine; if you buy this crap about a liberal media, you’re just lazy and crazy.

The media is not liberal. Just stop saying it. Be conservative if you want, hate Obama, hate Hillary, hate me (join the club)…just stop hiding behind this ridiculous notion that the media is slanted towards liberals and progressives. Nothing, absolutely nothing in this country is slanted towards liberals and progressives. Which brings me to “if” #2…

IF JOHN MCCAIN GAINS THE PRESIDENCY IN NOVEMBER…#2: we will need a clear-headed re-evaluation of the goals and expectations of the “Progressive Movement”, with a possible result being acceptance of the fact that progressive politics is not yet effective on the national level, and that the pet causes and internal divisions of left-wingers often lose us elections while gaining us no political currency or demonstrable “progress”. Also, that we would perhaps be better served and more often satisfied if we concentrated more on the local and state levels and were this able to achieve tangible, albeit slow and seemingly minor, results.

Relax. Settle down.

What I’m saying is this: I’ve heard a lot of murmuring about Obama letting down the “Progressive Movement” (where is that headquarters again?). I’ve heard radio callers and read blog comments time and time again that express their dissatisfaction with Obama’s tack to the middle, their disillusionment due to perceived changes in his positions from the primary to the general campaign, and a general Liberal Let-Down as they watched this supposed Titan of Progress do the unthinkable – attempt to win the presidency.

Barack Obama is not running for you. He is not a Progressive. He is the Presidential Nominee of the Democratic Party of the United States.

Folks, I work at a political talk radio station. I probably saw more coverage of the primaries than the average person (a fact that has only further destabilized me). I saw Barack Obama, I heard him speak…and yet, I didn’t think for a second that he was representative of the Far Left, or of any of its various splinter factions.

So why did so many people out there get the impression that during the primary campaign, Obama promised to re-make the nation in Greg Palast’s image? You want him to talk about gay marriage? You want him to talk about animal rights? You want him to talk about the transgender community? I’m sorry, but you must be out of your mind. He’s struggling to even maintain a lead in the polls; he might yet lose this election! American is a deeply conservative country (fact) – therefore, for Barack Obama to do what you want him to do, or what you think he promised you he would do, would be tantamount to flushing his candidacy down the toilet.

I get the impression that a lot of these folks, a minority though they may be, think Barack Obama should drop by Union Square to play hackey sack with them. Nope. He’s running for President, not R.A. of your dorm.

There’s a reason Dennis Kucinich didn’t exactly clean up in the primary season, and it’s the same reason that Barack Obama would be a fool to even nod at progressive causes in the next couple of months. That reason is this: the United States of America is deeply conservative, and as much as some of us (myself included) want that to change, the nation as a whole is not (yet) behind us. And yes, I know – being a minority and being right is more noble than bowing before a herd of people who are wrong, but I am suggesting that the office of the Presidency cannot afford to pander to isolated groups of liberals, and that progressives should stop expecting Progressivism from individuals in our nations highest elected offices. This is America we’re talking about here. Sorry.

Start small. Hold your local elected officials accountable to progressive ideals. Build this from the bottom up. Don’t jump the gun and expect Noam Chomsky to be sleeping on the White House couch come November.

Do not de-rail Barack Obama’s candidacy because you feel slighted over one pet cause or another.

Do not let John McCain win this election because you think Barack Obama isn’t liberal enough.

Do not allow yourself to think that progressive views have gained more currency in this country at the national level than they actually have. That doesn’t mean you should stop fighting for liberal causes, but it also doesn’t mean you can put all of your words and ideals in Barack Obama’s mouth or write them across his forehead.

In fact, for progressive politics to become more generally accepted, the best thing you could do would be to get Barack Obama in office, whether or not you think he’s not progressive enough.